Sep
I have been married for 5.5 years and just found out my ovary was enlarged. I told my husband and discovered that he has had genital warts for 5 years (that he knows of) and never once told me. He only did now because he read they can lead to cervical cancer.
I’ve never tested positive for the HPV virus and never realized he had them. I noticed them before but he told me they were moles. I feel like a fool and am very upset about my marriage. He either A) was cheating on me so didn’t tell me or B) was so unconcerned about my health, and the health of our kids during labor, he just saw no reason to tell me.
The worst I think is that he stated he assumed I had them too, and gave them to him, so he assumed there was no reason we should talk about it. He really thinks I would do that and he’s that person, not me! This states so much about our marriage and I’m so upset I could puke.
Any advice on how to get through this? And is it even possible for one spouse to have them and the other one to not?
Answer:
How long were you engaged before you got married? Is it possible that he got them before you got married, and never had them show up until after you were married? It can take between two months and three years for them to show up once someone has been exposed to the virus. If he wasn't a virgin when he met you, then he could have already been exposed to the virus, but not had any symptoms. Condoms don't really protect very well against it, because other parts of the genitals make contact during sex, that aren't covered by a condom, and those parts can get warts too. So it doesn't even mean he was irresponsible before he met you.
I can understand why he didn't tell you…he thought you would think he was cheating. Imagine that you got married to the love of your life, and a few months later you found a wart…you would feel guilty even if you hadn't done anything wrong, and you would feel like you couldn't tell your partner without them accusing you of cheating, or of lying for not mentioning it earlier. Even though they don't show it as much, men have the same worries and feelings that we do…he just didn't want to lose you and was afraid you would react like you’re now. Then, the longer he went without telling you, the harder it got to actually state something.
Saying he thought he got it from you is a defense mechanism…I'm sure he knew what he’d and has been stressing out about for years. He couldn't have thought it was moles, because moles don't come and go. Once you get a mole, you've got it forever. He probably didn't think the warts could hurt your children when they were being born, or if he really thought it came from you, he figured you had already talked to your physician about it.
Please don't hate him, and don't just pack up and leave him. Get him to go to his doctor and get treated for the warts. Then try talking to him and see if you can work it out.
Answer:
Wow… what a douchebag.
Answer:
The versions of HPV that causes warts don’t cause cancer, because they cause warts instead.
IMO warts are no large deal. There is no way to tell if a man has HPV, there’s no test for it and if he has warts all you know is that he has at least 1 of a handful of possible HPV viruses that cause warts. You still can't tell if he has some other type of HPV. Healthy womens bodies will get rid of HPV on their own the vast majority of the time. On top of that cervical cancer grows very slowly so routine pap smears will detect it and it can be easily dealt with. Plus a pap smear won’t tell you if you’ve warts or not, only if your cervix is infected with HPV. If it's just a wart on your skin no test will find it and due to the way womens labia are shaped it might be hard to identify very small warts.
So, if neither of you were aware of it until after you were married there is really no way to know whose “fault” this situation is. If i were you I would count my blessings and get on with living. Compared to the health nightmares some people last this is small potatoes.
Answer:
I'm so sorry. I don't think he meant to injured you. It sounds like he was embarrassed and couldn't bring himself to tell you. It is possible that he didn't know he’d them until you were already together and felt ashamed. I think that you should speak to him about your feelings. Even though this is a massive deal, he may not have seen it the way you do. Give a chance to explain his side and go from there. Men don't think like we do and there for don't worry like we do. He might have thought that if he just ignored it it would never come up. I know you feel betrayed, I would too. Don't let this one thing ruin 5.5 years of your life, talk, cry, work it out.